Just another straw article....
1. Blame it on the r-r-r-r-r-root beer
I was 18 years old. I was at a company dinner for a computer store that I worked at at the time. We were going out of business, so they threw us one last hoorah at a steakhouse. Ribs, steaks, oh god it was so good.
I've been a teetotaller my entire life, so I was enjoying a root beer as usual. A really beautiful waitress came to my table to talk to us. I'd had 3-4 root beers at this point, so I was feeling really confident, and I said something like "So, uh, you...you like...waitressing?" or something equally clever.
Many mistakes were made that night, but the biggest one happened right here. After I asked her the question, I kept my eyes locked with hers to demonstrate my confidence, held my drink to my mouth, and tried to locate the straw with my lips instead of looking at it. My lips fished around the glass for the longest eight seconds of my life, and in that moment, time completely slowed down and this look of absolute horror grew across the waitress's face. With each passing second she realized what a complete loser I am. I must have looked like a horse whispering something in French. By the time I actually found the straw, she got the hell out of there, and I was left alone slurping down my last root beer, among all my coworkers. There wouldn't be a single refill from that point on; I didn't need to ask to know it.
My friends made fun of me for years. I'm 29 now, and they still bring it up when we get together for dinner sometimes. I never used a straw again after that night.
2. Moth-er of pearl!
My husband found a pantry moth that had died stuck to the inside of his straw. After he'd already been drinking from it for a while.
3. Dammit, Brad! I told you to stop putting straws in my camel's backpack.
When it broke the camels back. That was my only camel.
4. On a more serious note: animals need us to quit it with straws
Serious answer: That video of that turtle with a straw stuck in his bleeding nose. It was so sad.
5. On another serious note: it's hard to be sexy with a straw
I was trying to be sexy at the bar and as I went for the straw I poked my eye. Not very sexy.
6. Thank goodness for laziness
I had jaw surgery so I was (am still) numb from my bottom lip to my chin. This made it somewhat difficult to drink from a glass so I (Continued)
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used straws for a while. Then I ran out of my box of straws so I decided that was the last straw and learned to drink like my regular self again.
7. Again with the sea turtle (it's really impacted a lot of people, apparently)
I saw this video of somebody who found with a sea turtle with a straw stuck in its nose and removed it. It's horrific and pretty awful to watch. I don't need top use straws and I don't want to make more plastic ocean junk.
8. Okay gender norms, whatever...
One of the Senior VP's of my company told me: "A gentleman never drinks through a straw," so I haven't used one since.
9. That's one way to do it, I suppose
The first time I ever went to bar I was drinking from a straw. This drunk guy walked up to me, took my straw out, threw it on the ground and said: "straws are for idiots!"
Haven't used a straw since.
10. Is this actually a thing? Someone please tell me, I'm serious
Fear of repeated straw usage giving me a bad case of "old lady mouth."
11. So... that's how they make cherry sprite?
I had one go up my nose on a date once. Sprite turned into cherry sprite and the date ended in shame and blood.
12. "I'm a surface level person".
I like drinking the surface of my drink not the bottom of it.
13. I'm pretty sure there's a support group for people like this
True story, I got a brain freeze from a mountain dew Baja blast freeze... I went back in for the death slurp where your (Continued)
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head just barely stops hurting and your a glutton for punishment. Due to messed up vision and sensory deprivation I ended up jamming the straw into the corner of my eye..
So there I am, brain freeze full swing, straw sticking into the corner of my eye and laughing uncontrollably at myself while everyone is looking on.
I decided then and there to cut the excess straw off anything that requires a straw. If I can swing it I go bareback and just drink it straight up.
14. Everything always comes down to Tom Hanks
When I was 15 or so, Tom Hanks in "That Thing You Do" was at a bar and said "I'll have one of these with no straw." I thought it was so baller, I haven't had a straw since.
15. Confidence. That'll do the trick.
Because I suck at nothing.
16. Illegal soft drink paraphernalia: an award-winning memoir
I grew up poor. My parents were only able to put food on the table by peddling illegal soft drink paraphernalia across the border from Nevada to Utah. The only way they could do this without getting caught was by the use of our pack animal: a camel named Uncle Bob. The customs agents were so shocked at the sight of a camel, they usually wouldn't search us, and even if they did, they never would have suspected that Uncle Bob's second hump was just a furry stowage compartment.
One day, pop found out that there was a supplier who needed more proboscis' than we typically were able to hide on Uncle Bob. We tried and tried to rent a second camel to no avail. This left us with only the option of loading down Uncle Bob.
I'll never forget that day. We stuffed straws into the poor beast of burdens hidden compartment as he groaned under the weight. I pleaded with my father on behalf of the great beast. "He can't take anymore, father! PLEASE STOP!!" I no more got the words out of my mouth when suddenly, as father attempted to pack just one more item of contraband, Uncle Bob let out a tortured groan in sync with a loud snapping sound as his back suddenly sagged. I scorned my father for being so greedy and we never spoke again.
And THAT was the straw that broke the camels back.
17. They're horrible for the environment
One of my environmentally conscious friends introduced me to the idea that straws are harmful to the environment. And honestly I never really use them anyway, so I stopped using them!
18. Straws can be detrimental to your drinking experience
Flavor is not so simple as the chemicals of the drink entering your mouth. There are other sensations. For example, the (Continued)
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temperature, the feeling on your lips, the smell when glass gets close, the shape of the cup, the material (glass, metal, plastic, paper)... all of these things matter.
A straw changes the whole experience. You skip the lips and go straight for the middle of the tongue. The rest of your mouth just gets left out. You don't get the smell. You have to work harder. Overall, you just don't get as much sensation from your drink.
Simple answer: it tastes better.
19. I also don't drink beer during work hours, but that doesn't mean I'll give up on my desk drawer vodka stash... don't be silly!
I don't drink beer with a straw. So why drink anything else with a straw?
20. We've all been there.
Accidentally deep throated one. I was sucking it, and either sucked it so hard or it was so slippery, that it went halfway down my throat.
21. Then there's the problem of cracked straws
You know how infuriating it is if you grab the straw just the wrong way and it bends? It puts that little tiny slit in the straw which makes you completely lose suction and rendering the damn thing worthless. I'll just tip the cup like a civilized piece of human garbage.
22. Nothing like a sassy server to help you kick the habit
I was 17 at the Waffle House in Chesapeake Virginia. We would go eat some delicious hash browns after some hard rounds of laser tag at Ultrazone. We would also order water with a bunch of lemons and make our own lemonade.
Then one day the waitress (Continued)
Then one day the waitress asked if wanted sissy sticks with our fake lemonade.
I haven't drank fake lemonade or used a straw (sissy stick) since. I'm 36.
23. Something ain't sprite about this story
I was pulling out of a drive-thru, hit a bump, and the straw went up my nose right as I inhaled. Got sprite in my lungs :(
24. Moments of profound realization :')
One day our whole family bought a bunch of fast food including fountain drinks for all five of us. When we got home and took everything out of the bag we found that they had neglected to supply any straws... and for a few embarrassing moments I was left wondering how we would be able to consume our drinks now.
Then of course it hit me that there was in fact another way to drink from a cup. Once I came to that realization I also came to the conclusion there was no reason to use a straw in the first place.
25. Pretty sure this story is one of Oprah's bookclub picks
Every time somebody wanted to flip a coin, I was there. "No, don't worry guys, we can all draw straws, I brought mine!" I would say, and everybody would ignore me. For years, I persisted on only choosing things by drawing straws: Monopoly? Screw rolling the highest number, we draw straws. Bathroom schedules? We draw straws to determine the order we choose our times. But one rainy day, about 3 and a half years ago, I wanted to work out whether my brother or I would get the TV remote, when a look of horror shot through my face: I only had one straw. That was the last straw. Ever since then, I haven't drawn straws once.
26. Great story... but what the heck is an Ice Chocolate?
This literally happened maybe 2 weeks ago. Home for the holidays and my old man has been finishing work around 9pm. I decided to be a top notch son and make an Ice Chocolate for him when he walks in the door. I went the full way with whipped cream, marshmallows, flakes, ice and ice cream and presented it in a hipster-esque jar like the cafes do these days. He comes home and is pretty chuffed about it. He decides he wants a straw we didn't have any in the draw but he remembered his work bag had some in it. One of those big thick straws. Annnyway. He starts drinking and goes "what's that" and proceeds to pull a slug out of his mouth and starts gagging. He works on a horse stud so his bag had been outside that day and a slug had got into his bag and into the straw (we know this as he had another straw in the bag and they were in that straw also. Needless to say I now ask if he wants a straw when he's drinking something.
27. Reminds me of little kids on the playground with drinking box straws
Maybe not quite on topic, but back in the early 80s my beloved grandmother decided to quit smoking because, as she said, "if cigarettes ever get to over $2 a pack (yes I know right), I'll quit."
Cue the day in maybe 1985 when smokes broke the two dollar a pack level, and she (Continued)
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and she quit cold turkey. Seriously, after several decades of smoking she just quit. And there was no nicorette gum at the time.
The only thing she did was smoke straws. Like she would hold a straw in the same place she would have held a cigarette and just pretended to puff on it. As a kid I was so proud of her and impressed with this. She did quit for good, with only holding a straw in her hand.
So maybe her last straw was the last one she held before she realized she no longer needed that crutch.
28. This is... surprisingly a good reason to be afraid of straws
I have a very legitimate reason to be fed up with straws. This was my last straw. And it went into my chest. So when I was little I was at a friend's birthday party and his mom gave us cups to drink out of with the straw built into the cup. And they were thick plastic. Long story short we were playing games in my friend's backyard and I tripped on the grass and I fell on my cup, the straw part taking a nice chunk of skin off my stomach. Haven't used a straw for ten years.
29. That's a horrible prank
I was drinking a soda after work and my buddy who was bartending slipped a cocktail straw into my straw; so when I sipped, the cocktail straw flew down my throat and got stuck.
30. A message to you, from the creator of this last straws article.
Hi there.
If you just got to the end of reading this 6 page article about drinking straws, I want to take the time now to personally thank you. You, kind reader, are a special being. For when we read an entire article about drinking straws, it is not just an article about drinking straws. The internet is an ocean of content. You could be reading about the collapse of our environment, Donald Trump's new bathroom bills affecting trans school kids in the US, or any of Emily Dickenson's 1789 poems. But you didn't. You clicked on an article about straws and you committed, globdammit!
Because, my dear friend (are we on that level yet? Can I call you friend?) the distance to the edge of the observable universe is about 46 billion light years across. Within that universe, there are approximately 50 sextillion habitable planets and many more unhabitable ones. Our planet, Earth is home to 8.7 million different species, ranging from Paedophryne amauensis (a frog the size of your pencil eraser) to the blue whale (a whale the length of 3880 pencil erasers). Of all the stories belonging to all the universe and each of the 8.7 million species and every one of the 7 billion people in it, you chose to dedicate your time to reading about fairly mundane moments in the lives of just 29 of those human beings. Because you know that, even though there are cooler stories or more exciting stories or sadder or happier ones, everyone's story matters, even these kinda crappy ones.
- Your forever indebted content "writer", Sara
Twitter user @Rich_Cooper stated:
"Dear feminists. You either get equality or chivalry. You can't have both."
Dear feminists. You either get equality or chivalry. You can't have both.— Richard Cooper (@Richard Cooper) 1536083523.0
One user responded:
"I'll take equality. I don't need special treatment."
@Rich_Cooper #BenevolentSexism is still #sexism. I'll take equality. I don't need special treatment.— ☮️ Minkajane ☮️ (@☮️ Minkajane ☮️) 1537276790.0
Cooper's rhetorical question did not go over so well. Both women and men expressed their disdain for his message.
One male user observed that chivalry was irrelevant and treating everyone with kindness and respect was compulsory.
"What people care about is caring, empathic [sic], considerate, thoughtful people, NOT whether THEIR door is held for them or THEIR meal is paid for them."
"Are there gender stereotypes in het[erosexual] dating? Sure. But that's separate from being a warm, giving, caring, grounded person."
@Rich_Cooper What people care about is caring, empathic, considerate, thoughtful people, NOT whether THEIR door is… https://t.co/wlGHWRzKLi— Mark W. Wilson, MD (@Mark W. Wilson, MD) 1537276816.0
Some women got right down to the point.
@Rich_Cooper Translation: I will only be nice to you if you agree to be subservient to me— Elizabeth Noll (@Elizabeth Noll) 1537292709.0
@Rich_Cooper Gotta love when a man tells women what they can and can't have. Thanks for the heads up buddy 😉 https://t.co/gDMJscuTac— Hannah ✊ (@Hannah ✊) 1537285112.0
@Rich_Cooper Translation: I couldn’t possibly be expected to treat women as equals, show them respect, and still feel like a man.— Dom (@Dom) 1537293169.0
@Rich_Cooper We are sooooo bored with "chivalry" which stems from the courtly love period in the middle ages when w… https://t.co/wRho1a9DTz— Jeanthejust (@Jeanthejust) 1537280103.0
@Rich_Cooper Dear man. As a feminist, I open doors for men all the time. I also offer my seat to men in need on t… https://t.co/uxdwfh1kEM— My ovaries dream of puppers (@My ovaries dream of puppers) 1537502301.0
The notion of chivalry and equality are mutually exclusive and not a lot of people thought it was a major priority for feminists.
Common courtesy is not chivalry.
@Rich_Cooper Nah. That's some real childlike, oversimplified thinking. There are obviously more than these two op… https://t.co/lUqnEJhIAp— TheQuietRanger (@TheQuietRanger) 1537342901.0
@Rich_Cooper Wow, I had no idea that feminists were campaigning for chivalry, thanks for the Valuable Insight lol… https://t.co/iK62FTM9WY— Tracy Campbell the DM (Dungeon Mom) (@Tracy Campbell the DM (Dungeon Mom)) 1537294172.0
@Rich_Cooper I hold the door open for a guy walking into Starbucks behind me. Tomorrow, he might do the same for me… https://t.co/xWQEu6QHrM— Emma Scott (@Emma Scott) 1537294526.0
This user pointed out the fact that chivalry stems from a history of men outdoing other men. The concept had very little to do with women.
"Chivalry is a medieval concept of men dressing to impress other men. It has little to do with equality."
"Some men were on top, other men were beneath them. Historically, women were rarely invited into the process."
@Rich_Cooper @kent_imig Chivalry is a medieval concept of men dressing to impress other men. It has little to do wi… https://t.co/m8YPUkaUzm— Mark Findlay (@Mark Findlay) 1537257080.0
Neil Bradley described the outdated concept of chivalry as one that implies men being superior to women in a September 8, 2017, article for Medium publications.
"Examples: opening the door for a woman, paying for a woman's meal, gesturing for a woman to go first. The justification is either that women are not physically as strong (to open the door), able to provide (pay for their own meal), or are more deserving of compassion than men (allowing women to go first)."
Bradley also added that he wants to treat others the way he wants to be treated and asked if that approach should be motivated by chivalry or equality.
"If the genders are to be considered equal and treated equally, how a man treats a woman will essentially be the same as how a man treats a man."
"The obligation to open the door, pay for the meal, and let women go first vanishes. Men do not do this to other men, therefore why do it for women?"
His final take was that the two concepts can't co-exist. Either one is chivalrous or treats everyone as equals.
At the end of the day, people were happy to show chivalry the door.
@seanrmccauley @DoverCook @ShappiKhorsandi @Rich_Cooper @MarkFindlay26 @kent_imig Nobody needs chivalry. Equality a… https://t.co/isq5Fo84iU— John Dougherty (@John Dougherty) 1537357843.0
H/T - GettyImages, Twitter, Indy100, Medium
Hundreds of artists have signed a letter threatening a boycott if SiriusXM's parent company, Liberty Media, doesn't back down from opposing the Music Modernization Act.
The act, which was expected to pass through Congress, streamlines royalty payments in the new age of digital technology, but it seems SiriusXM is objecting to a small section that would have the satellite radio company paying royalties on recordings dating before 1972.
That's a whole lot of songs and a whole lot of money the company is hoping to skip out on paying, but not if stars like Paul McCartney, P!nk, Stevie Nicks, Sia, Carly Simon, Gloria Estefan, Mick Fleetwood, Don Henley, Max Martin, and Katy Perry can help it.
The letter read, in part:
I'm writing you with grave concern about SiriusXM's opposition to the Music Modernization Act (Classics Act included).
We are all aware of your company's objections and trepidation but let me say that this is an opportunity for SiriusXM to take a leadership position. As you are aware, 415 Representatives and 76 Senators have already cosponsored the MMA along with industry consensus. It's SiriusXM vs all of us. We can either fight to the bitter end or celebrate this victory together. Rather than watch bad press and ill will pile up against SiriusXM, why not come out supporting the most consequential music legislation in 109 years? We do not want to fight and boycott your company but we will as we have other opponents. Stand with us! Be brave and take credit for being the heroes who helped the MMA become historic law! Momentum is building against SiriusXM and you still have an opportunity to come out on the right side of history. We look forward to your endorsement but the fire is burning and only you can put this out.
SiriusXM resoponded with a letter of their own:
Over the past several weeks, we have been the subject of some stinging attacks from the music community and artists regarding our views on the Music Modernization Act. Contrary to new reports and letters, this is really not about a SiriusXM victory, but implementing some simple, reasonable and straightforward amendments to MMA. There is nothing in our "asks" that gut the MMA or kills the Act. So let's talk about the substance of the amendments we propose, because we truly do not understand the objections or why these concepts have incited such a holy war.ontrary to the accusations, SiriusXM has proposed three simple amendments to the MMA.
First, SiriusXM has asked that the CLASSICS Act recognize that it has already licensed all of the pre-1972 works it uses. This amendment would ensure that artists – the people who are supposed to be at the heart of the MMA – receive 50% of the monies under those existing licenses. Is that unfair? Just today, Neil Diamond wrote in the LA Times that: "I receive a small amount of songwriting royalties, but no royalties as the recording artist." How can that happen? To date, SiriusXM has paid nearly $250 million dollars in pre-'72 royalties to the record labels. We want to make sure that a fair share of the monies we have paid, and will pay, under these licenses gets to performers. Without this provision, artists may never see any of the money SiriusXM paid, and will pay, for the use of pre-1972 works. Artists not getting paid hurts our business!
Second, Sirius XM thinks that the fair standard to use in rate setting proceedings is the standard that Congress chose in 1995 and confirmed again in 1998 – which is called the 801(b) standard. However, we are willing to move the "willing buyer/willing seller" standard contained in the MMA. In exchange, we have asked for the same concession that the MMA grants to other digital music services, but we were left out of — simply that the rates that were set last year for five years now apply for ten years. We thought this was a fair compromise when we read the "new" MMA that was released this weekend by the Senate, and are willing to live by that compromise.
Third, SiriusXM is asking the simple question: "Why are we changing the rate court evidence standard for musical compositions in this legislation so that it gives another advantage to broadcasters over satellite radio and streaming services?" There is no policy rationale for this change to tilt the playing field further in their favor, and frankly no one has been able to explain it to us. It is only fair that we debate why the change to Section 114(i) is in the MMA.
Did you all catch that? It sounds like lawyer speak for "we don't really want to say where we stand."
It seems all the letters were for naught. The Music Modernization Act passed in the U.S. Senate.
The #MusicModernizationAct has been passed by the U.S. Senate! 🎶 Along with our members across the country, we're e… https://t.co/52yNhtV4zk— Recording Academy / GRAMMYs (@Recording Academy / GRAMMYs) 1537318533.0
@kayhanley @SIRIUSXM Hi @kayhanley, I absolutely support the #MusicModernizationAct. I signed on as a cosponsor ear… https://t.co/j4JHXpLBxI— Elizabeth Warren (@Elizabeth Warren) 1537225190.0
People said this was impossible. Some even worked hard to make it impossible, even telling outright lies about wh… https://t.co/iMTlwJLWVw— Future of Music Coalition (@Future of Music Coalition) 1537309844.0
We're thrilled to share that the Senate has unanimously voted to pass the #MusicModernizationAct, an historic miles… https://t.co/Uuy2Yp8zCw— ASCAP (@ASCAP) 1537311517.0
It was time to celebrate and dance in the streets.
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP Grateful. That says it all. Grateful past language for the sweet souls who worked so hard to mak… https://t.co/JSeUNCwFSd— Paul Williams (@Paul Williams) 1537319434.0
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP @IMPaulWilliams YES!!!! Songwriters are dancing everywhere!— James Grey (@James Grey) 1537315642.0
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP @IMPaulWilliams Thank you for helping us all organize to get this done #MusicModernizationAct— Tangent Recording (@Tangent Recording) 1537311639.0
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP @IMPaulWilliams Greatness Is What Greatness Does....And This Is Great.— Eddie C Person Jr (@Eddie C Person Jr) 1537365270.0
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP @IMPaulWilliams #Love it!— CKGTHEDON (@CKGTHEDON) 1537315443.0
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP @IMPaulWilliams Fantastic News! Thank You U.S. Senate ~> Pass it House Of Representatives ~> Sig… https://t.co/tukiZ8Ryug— MarkAlexanderCarroll (@MarkAlexanderCarroll) 1537321589.0
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP @IMPaulWilliams Simply amazing hard work pays off.— PedroBarr (@PedroBarr) 1537320953.0
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP @IMPaulWilliams Thank all of you for your tireless efforts and work.Protecting what is important… https://t.co/goFps7yu2V— Roney Hooks (@Roney Hooks) 1537317136.0
@ASCAP @Beth_ASCAP @IMPaulWilliams I am so thankful for this wonderful change. We songwriters deserve it!— J.R. FOWLER (@J.R. FOWLER) 1537322119.0
As the saying goes, honest pay for honest work.
