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Interracial Couples Reveal The Biggest Cultural Adjustments They Overcame

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Cultural stereotypes, and the judgments that accompany them, still present challenges for interracial couples. But dating someone from another culture has its perks too - different food, family celebrations, holiday traditions - all help to enrich our relationships. It's not always easy, though, as people still like to judge.

jbrown3152 asked, Redditors in interracial relationships, what was the biggest cultural adjustment you had to make?

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.

The Chinese ex was doing it right. Unopened and uneaten? Mine.

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My ex-boyfriend of two years was Chinese, and I'm white (and Southern, while he'd lived most of his life in Chicago). We had some minor things like he would make fun of how much cheese I ate and I made fun of how much he learned to love sweet iced tea. But the one cultural norm we didn't even realize we didn't have in common was taking food home from special events. For white people, food left at the end of a wedding/event/banquet is for the host (whoever's paid for it) to dispose of/dispense how they like. In Chinese culture, mass to-go boxes are distributed and everyone takes home whatever they want. I remember being mortified at a wedding when my bf just snagged an entire, unopened box of cupcakes to take when we left. In my mind, he just stole cupcakes. What was so remarkable was that I thought he was being cheap and he thought I was being paranoid, and we never ever chalked it up to cultural norms. Learned this from a totally different (also Chinese) friend after we'd broken up.

Edit: I'm speaking of fancy or formal events specifically, not all get-togethers with food.

This seems like an easy adjustment.

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So. Many. Hugs.

Family is family is family.

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One I can answer!

My partner is from Zimbabwe. I'm from Scotland.

The biggest culture shock by far is how every older woman is called mbuya (gran) and every older man sekuru (grandpa). From what I understand their language (Shona) doesn't seem to have a word for aunties, uncles or cousins: everyone is just your sibling, parent, grandparent or a stranger. Makes it a nightmare to work out what the 'real' relations are.

Saying "I'm full" is a no-no in many cultures, and there's always so much food.

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Not a current relationship but a previous one. I'm white and he's Hispanic. Meeting his family was really when the cultural differences showed. His entire family was super welcoming, immediately I was included in everything and made to feel like part of the family, that was definitely not the norm in my other relationships.

I found out that even if I'm stuffed full if his mom or aunt offered me food, I better take it. To refuse for any reason was extremely rude.

Authentic Mexican food is amazing.

We did go to a Hispanic dance club together once and I was treated like trash by everyone present because of being white, but that was the only occasion of people disapproving.

We broke up because he's a terrible person, but I still miss his family.

Celebrating for no reason? Sounds like a great adjustment.

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My fiancée is black, I'm white/Asian. Everyone from her family is very loud but in a loving way, especially in public. So much laughing and clapping for no reason, I love it so much. My wasian family is very quiet and reserved and doesn't show much affection. Being in public and getting stared at is the biggest adjustment. Also the food. Anyone else love neckbone?

Well, this is different, and certainly an adjustment.

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I am dating a girl whose parents are from East Boston. They call pasta "macaroni" and red sauce/pasta sauce "gravy." WTF

Doesn't seem like much adjustment is needed here, everyone is really well-rounded.

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Meeting her family: lots of hugs, the family is important, you always compliment how beautiful the mom is and eat all of her cooking, when the dad drinks then you must drink, anytime they invite you to an event then you drop everything and go or witness their wrath.

Her meeting my family: shoes come off the second you enter the house, be prepared to gossip with the mom, constantly receive a small sentence of wisdom from the dad.

I am Vietnamese and she is Venezuelan. Both families agree we would have beautiful children.

Edit: RIP inbox. y'all some amazing people: ;)

Mothers-in-law take a lot of adjusting.

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White male married to a black woman here. We have been together since 1988 and have a 19 yo daughter.

I am not sure there were any real cultural adjustments. I have read about people in interracial relationships getting all kinds of blowback/disapproval but we've not experienced anything significant.

My MIL finds fault with virtually anything but that does not seem cultural though.

Tearing down cultural stereotypes is a necessary adjustment.

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My ex-boyfriend is Japanese. He and his family were very very proper, clean, and etiquette. The biggest thing was they were never really satisfied with his accomplishments. Every time he did something good they would always want more from him.

Edit: One thing I forgot to mention was that I'm Hispanic, and his family had some misconceived views on Hispanic/Latino people. The sister and dad thought I was going to be some sort of drug dealer or a gang member and were scared of me at first. His mom and brother thought I was going to be loud, good at dancing, and always say something in Spanish after every sentence. They were very interesting...

Learning your partner's native language shows immense dedication, and is a really noble adjustment.

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Learning Spanish. I married a Peruvian who speaks perfect English and so I have trouble remembering what I learn.

I like the sound of the wild Christmas.

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My husband is Mexican and I am white. The biggest thing we genuinely notice and laugh about is how Christmas is handled.

His family - mass chaos, everyone opens presents all at the same time. There is literally trash and Christmas paper EVERYWHERE.

My family - slow, meticulous, everyone patiently waits their turn to open their gift. We legitimately have someone assigned to trash bag duty.

This happens far too often - skin color shouldn't define love.

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It's weird getting racist side-eyes from people of the same race as me.

Whether it's interracial or sexuality, let's not judge others on how and whom they love.

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My interracial relationship isn't an issue with most people. They normally just are disgusted because we're gay.

Hot take: visits are one thing, but having the whole family in a hospital room is really uncomfortable. It was for me.

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I'm Hispanic, my husband is Caucasian. When someone in my family is sick, the whole family shows up. We all sit in the waiting room for a surgery, come by the house with food during a recovery. When his own father had a cardiac cath my husband didn't go with him even though he had the day off work. I went with his father and his mother and he thought it was so extra for me to go. His mentality is that I can't do anything if something goes wrong. He said if something did go wrong his mother would call him. In my family, it's a show of love, respect, and support to be at someone's sick bed, even for a routine medical procedure. His mother didn't find it strange, his sister didn't go either. It's just weird to me. When his grandma had a hip replaced he went to visit her in rehab only one time and she was there for two weeks. If it was my family, we would take shifts so she would have at least one visitor per day and one home-cooked meal.

Oh, white people...

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Black man with a white ex here. I have plenty of these types of scenarios. My favorite is the white people who assumed we weren't together when we walked into a restaurant. My ex was absolutely incensed! I laughed because I've dealt with that ignorance on more than one occasion.

Parties for everything? Why not?!

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White trash married into a Hispanic household.

Everything is different.

They throw parties for everything. High school graduation was a huge deal, I had to convince my parents to come because I needed a ride home afterward. His family was shocked.

We don't cook when people come over. Just buy some pizza. His mom might kill me if I throw a party without cooking a bunch of homemade food.

Sleepovers, family coming over? Then it's assumed they will stay the night. Totally threw me off. Our family barely visits and when they do it's for a few hours then they're gone.

Is someone pregnant? Awesome huge parties and lots of gifts. My family? That sucks better figure out what you're gonna do.

Kids party? Lots of games n food n cake and gifts. My family, oh cool here's a t-shirt I have work so I'm gonna leave now.

A family member needs help? They're family best go help. My side? The most you'll get is a 'that sucks' there's no helping each other.

Been about 6 years now and I'm still learning.

The concept of "on time" varies greatly from culture to culture.

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Different understanding of time.

Edit: to be clear she is latina and I am white. Doesn't make me mad, it's just a difference in culture. It's an adjustment I have to make.

It takes a lot of courage to stand up to white supremacy. Sounds like the stepdad needs the adjustment.

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I'm black and I'm currently dating a white guy. His stepdad is a white supremacist, so going to his house always feels a little awkward.

Expanding your taste in food is one of the best ways to experience other cultures.

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When I'm in a relationship I tend to eat less Asian foods to accommodate their tastes. I'm Asian-American and grew up eating a variety of foods. It was hard to adjust in the beginning because the people I tend to date (primarily small-town White-Americans) have a limited food palette.

Right now my current S/O has a very wide range of palette which I'm super duper grateful for. We've eaten a large array of ethnic foods compared to my previous relationships, but just not Asian dishes yet lol. Mostly due to us not traveling out of the city, where it primarily dominated by Thai, to the suburbs where there different facets of Chinese cuisines.

It's fascinating that dancing never caught on as part of American culture. But it's never too late to try!

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I'm a boring white American and my fiance is Puerto Rican. Everyone dances, and dances well, except for me of course.

Honest People Reveal The Most Depressing Truths They Had To Swallow

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Facing the truth about life is the hardest truth of all. It's never going to go the way you planned or hoped or prayed for. People are going to disappoint you and you're even going to disappoint yourself. The moments we realize this are some of the most depressing moments we live through but you can always find the strength and silver lining in the acceptance.

Redditor _u/haseo8998 pondered the thought, what is the most depressing truth that you've had to accept? The list is endless.

TIME FLIES...

Elderly people really once were the same excited child I was not all that long ago. Same with dead people.

THE COMPANY MAN...

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Loyalty to a company means nothing to the company.

LIFE CAN BE CRUEL...

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That I'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.

GO WITHT THE FLOW...

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Hey, as someone who uses a cane and probably will 'graduate' to using a wheelchair sooner or later: it's ok. Whatever mobility aid you use is there to help you, to make your life better. It helps you eg. get around, have an independent life (or more of one than you would without it), experience less pain/discomfort/etc. Glasses work on the same principle of making your life better when you need them and use them! I know it can take a while to accept you need this/any mobility aid, but it's a good thing, I promise.

TRUE LOVE... OR NOT...

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Just because you think someone is "the one," doesn't mean they think you are.

CRAP...

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Life will never be fair. You can do the right thing for your entire life and still get crap on around every corner.

PEOPLE ARE WHO THEY ARE...

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There are people in this world who are going to live ruined, miserable lives they don't deserve, and there is really nothing I can do about it.

THE BEST YEARS...

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I peaked in high school, or maybe early college at best.

BEWARE!!

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That some people do not care if they screw your life over. They're too sociopathic to feel remorse or care about the consequences, or they'll gladly do anything for a quick laugh.

YOU YOU CAN....

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I thought I could be happy being alone.

PEACE OUT!

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Sometimes old friends don't want to reconnect.

NO SOCIAL MEDIA...

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Facebook is the forum where you wonder why you weren't friends with someone, and then you realize why you weren't friends with someone.

NOT ALWAYS FOREVER...

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My wife is not happy with the way our life is together and one day she will have to leave.

WE LIKE YOU!

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That I am probably no one's favorite person.

IT STARTS IN THE MIRROR...

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I am everything that is wrong with me. Any and all dissatisfaction I have with my life stems from my consistent inability to change it. I could be doing better in college, go to the gym more, network more, read more, etc etc and the only thing holding me back is that I have no motivation. I don't care enough about myself to do anything.

LIFE AND DEATH...

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That death is forever and life isn't fair. Like clearly I know that and everyone knows that, but I had a cousin who was literally the salt of the earth, give you the shirt off his back guy. He was an paramedic, always helping people. He looked after his mum his whole life. He lived with her, took care of her, did absolutely everything for her. She died last Christmas at 92. It was a blessing in disguise, she had had a few strokes and ended up in a home and she said that she did not want to keep living like that. She also had been diagnosed with Huntington's, and so had my cousin.

Fast forward to Easter this year, my cousin was heading from his house to his sisters (like a 20 min drive away) and had a head on collision with another car. Other guy walked away, but my cousin took the brunt. They turned off life support the next day. It was so bad they had a cloth over his face when he was on life support so family didn't see how bad his face was. We thought when his mum died that he would get to live life for himself kinda thing, but he got four months of life before it was stolen from him. Yet you have murderers, terrorists and scumbags who live until they are 100. I still can't believe I will never see him again. RIP cousin xox

OUCH...

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My chronic pain will be with me 'til the end.

PARENTS AREN'T ALWAYS THE BEST...

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Growing up I was abandoned by my dad, neglected by my mom. Knowing this, my mom still treated me like a maid. I ran away, worked several jobs just to graduate, always went hungry, wrote my thesis by hand, was always alone when I got severely sick, etc.

People would always tell me that all the suffering is just the world preparing me for something greater. Life will have so much goodness in store for me because of how much I've suffered. That's not necessarily true.

Sometimes bad people will continue to have comfortable lives and good people will continue to suffer.

SUMMER LOVIN'...

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Summer vacation is over for me. Forever. I still have that feeling this time of year that I'm due three months off. Where every day is a long day outside doing what I want to do, drinking out of hose spigots and dancing in sprinklers. Until it starts to get dark and you know you should head home for dinner but you play. Just. One. More. Game. Then your mom calls you in and you head home before the orange sky turns purple then black. And the crickets and frogs sing louder and louder.

Now I work, I'm not a teacher, and I won't have any of that again until I retire. And when I retire I doubt it will mean the same thing to me without the nine months of school/work preceding summertime. Plus: old.

Former Homeless People Reveal The Best Ways To Help People On The Street

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There are far too many homeless people in America. How the "richest" country in the world could allow even ONE of it's citizens to be sleeping on the street is disheartening. And nowadays more and more children and families are the added numbers on that list of outdoor occupants. Homelessness is something that affects all of us. Anybody can be homeless if life throws you enough curveballs. It's a sad issue that we all can take part is helping fix. Everyone has an opinion on how but it's rare that we actually consult the suffering to find out the best course of action.

Redditor [u/haseo8998][1] asked for advice... [Serious] ex/homeless people, in your opinion what's the best way to really help the homeless? What facilities should each city have for them? Open up your hearts people. There are many in need.

GIVE HELP NOT CHARITY.

The majority of homeless are people you don't see on the street. Families living in cars, people trying to get housing, rents increasing that a family simply cant sustain... I admire San Diego having parking lots dedicated to people/families who live in cars. I also think, as far fetched as it may sound to some, if we give apts to some homeless, with deadlines and goals as we do in the welfare system-- we can help people who are simply in a tough spot. Not everyone is on drugs. Many won't take a hand out, this wasn't supposed to "happen to them." A home provides a sense of stability, their own bathroom. Cooking food. A feeling of safety.

HELP WITH GETTING THERE...

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As a former homeless teen, I needed Transportation (like a bus pass or a bike) to make it to school and my job. I couch surfed a lot as a teen and I didn't have a problem with food offers (I know several people who won't eat in front of others unless they are eating too) but I never took money.

A SOFT COUCH...

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My couch surfing started with some serious mental illness and dysfunction within my immediate family/parents. I saved up money and put a deposit on a tiny apartment moving in with a roommate. I ended up missing too much school and dropping out but I got my GED the summer after I should have graduated. Married at 18 (to a lifeguard who used to yell at me for using the showers at the public pool) and parents soon after. We both worked our butts off and supported each other (taking turns) with college. I now have my masters degree (in Social Work) and 2 of my 3 kids have graduated HS already. (3rd is in middle school now). I honestly feel I was determined to do better on my own but I know it was the support from my marriage that kept me strong.

WORKING HARD FOR THE $$$

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If you know anyone hiring for a job, send them into the homeless shelter and ask for help. Especially if it's an under the table job, 11 times out 10 you'll find help.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE LOOK...

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A system to rent/lease clothes for interviews and work. I know multiple people who weren't able to accept a job or were fired after a few days because they wouldn't be able to afford the uniform until after the first paycheck. 2) Information on how to obtain safe, affordable (cheap) transportation. A lot of folks who are saving to afford a car have been fired due to unreliable transportation.

HELP WITH NO STRINGS... JUST HELP...

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Don't make services contingent on each other. Some examples. I used to work fairly traditional hours (about 8-6) and I was in a shelter that required me to use case management services to participate. Ok, I can b-s with some college degree for an hour but they wanted me to take time off work in my minimum wage job to go to this appointment during the day. Nope. Not worth my job. Soon as I could, I filled up my tank and moved back into my car. Another example. If someone just wants a shower, don't make them have to move into your shelter overnight. There might be a good reason I don't want to stay there, just let me wash my stinky self and go about my day. Another thing. If I'm sleeping in my car, leave me alone. It's nice to be able to sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time before having to move, that life gets exhausting real quick. Don't help me unless I ask for help, police don't need to interfere either unless I am the victim of a crime or breaking a law. Basically be flexible, know that I am a human being who has my own life figured out, know that I know things you don't about my own life, and let me set the terms of interacting with the world to the same extent as anyone else.

EVERYONE NEEDS PROOF OF LIFE...

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Make it easier to get a drivers license. I moved from WA to SoCal and in the process got my wallet stolen with my ID in it. Without an ID you cant get a new debit/credit which equals no cash. Without cards you cant rent, without proof of residency you can't get an ID. Its literally a circle you cant get out of.

A STEADY ADDRESS...

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One of the main reasons the homeless slide further into unemployment is because it's damn near impossible to get a job without a permanent address to give them. I think local businesses are the answer. When you get past the image and stigma, lots of homeless folks just want a job. If the city of state we're able to help businesses with something like tax breaks or whatever to provide min wage work and housing if possible. A restaurant I worked at had a long term dish guy from Mexico living in one of the small studios above the restaurant plus getting a slightly below minimum wage hourly. So many downtown districts have these little spaces. Instead of charging trust fund art kids 2,000/month to live in the attics that those places really are, maybe rent them to people trying to get back on their feet.

A HEALTHY MIND IS A GREAT FIRST STEP...

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I was homeless for about 3 months while I was in college. I slept in the school library during weeknights, and on the steps of a church on weekends. I showered and kept most of my stuff in the school gym. Personally I started drinking almost every night because it's so hard to sleep on the concrete, or under the bright lights in the library without something flowing through your system. A lot of homeless people use drugs not just to cope, but to keep themselves on a regular sleep schedule. It's really hard to get a good night's sleep when you don't have any sort of mattress to sleep on, or have lights shining in your eyes at all hours of the night.

There was a homeless shelter nearby but it's only open at night, and it's first come, first served, so if you have classes or other stuff to do there usually isn't any space left. Plus you have to sit on the sidewalk with a bunch of other hobos waiting for it to open. Expanding the size of homeless shelters could help, but it also has a disparate impact on the nearby neighborhoods as well. No one wants a bunch of addicts lying around doing drugs on their front lawn or in front of their business.

Around half the homeless people I met were homeless by choice and wouldn't take a free home if it was offered. A lot of them traveled around the country, often by hopping freight trains. These people wouldn't take services even if offered. Most of the ones I got along with refused to panhandle because they felt it demeaning. A lot of them actually had jobs, they just chose to be homeless for personal or financial services. I think one of the issues with the public's perception of homelessness is that people assume everyone wants a home, everyone wants services, everyone wants to stop being homeless. A majority of the homeless people I met were perfectly happy living life as a hobo.

However, about a quarter of them had serious, obvious mental health issues like schizophrenia. I'd love to see an increase in services to help these people. I think it would be cool if we could create a semi-assisted living community for these people, allowing them some degree of independence as appropriate, but with supervision from health care professionals, sort of like a nursing home for hobos.

A QUICK RINSE...

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Washrooms. I m not joking here. A bathhouse or simple sanitary measures. Most homeless people look ugly and disheveled because they don't have option to tidy up. A simple bath makes them socially more acceptable and will boost their sense of self worth.

ALL SHOULD BE AVAILABLE...

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They need to offer the option of buying warm food with food stamps first of all. The worst thing was when I was homeless and couldn't even keep any of our food because we didn't have any way to store it or cook it. I could go to a food bank sure, but they gave me 10 lbs of frozen meat and some canned veggies. You have no way of preparing this stuff when you're homeless in the middle of a small town. Not only that, but when you're homeless they actually have the gall to lower SSI and foodstamps because you're no longer paying bills or utilities. Public restrooms and showers would also be wonderful instead of having to wander around at 8am trying to find an open gas station or corner store with a bathroom.

PAGING A DOCTOR....

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HEALTHCARE. If a homeless person breaks their ankle and doesn't have the money or insurance to cover it they're screwed. And then if its not treated it doesn't heal right then they're even MORE screwed. Mobility is key to being homeless.

MORE OPEN SPACES...

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I used to hop freight trains so this will be a bit different.

I feel like I would have greatly benefitted from libraries being open later, because they were one of my number one spots to go sit, read, and use wifi.

Public parks could use more benches or places to just sit and maybe hang out with your road dawgs for a bit

Also, trash bins outside! I don't litter, but carrying my trash around in my pack and my pockets sucked and sometimes trash bins are few and far between

A FULL PLAN...

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I've been homeless more than once. Sleeping in every article of clothing I own because it's winter in upstate NY, USA kinda homeless.

The best way to really help the homeless? In patient mental health treatment, substance abuse and addiction counseling, and basic needs providence - on a time limit.

Transition assistance from indigent to social cog.

Self esteem and employability coaching.

A one year program that reintegrates people into a stable lifestyle is a great start. It's got to be a one-off though. No repeats. It's gotta be assistance, not a crutch.

If I'd have had any of this, I wouldn't have had to fight it out by myself. I wouldn't have relapsed so many times. I wouldn't be afraid or ashamed of asking for help or handouts.

It's tough, in capitalist nations. It's even tougher in countries with no actual backing to their currency. It's the worst when everyone hates the poor.

THE BASICS...

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Volunteer/donate at shelters (make sure they're running well before either one.)

Cities should all have areas where the homeless can at the very least get cleaned up. A way to get a haircut, hygiene supplies (Tampons, pads, soap, shampoo.) a shower, bathroom etc. Understandably a city can't always supply a place to sleep, (yes I know about potential alternatives, but a city can't always get the approval whether its from local politicians or the voters in the area.) But they should do their best to atleast try to help, whether it's simple shelters in parks a person can bunker down in during a storm, a big check in shelter, or a network of volunteer centers.

They should also regularly check in on how things are run, much more than just budgeting and whether they meet grant requirements, but whether or not they're making sure donations go where they should be going, whether or not they're operating under a reasonable overhead, etc.

BELIEVE IN HUMANITY...

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I don't know. I learned nothing from my experience except how seemingly terrible and complex the problem is. A lot of the people I encountered are meaningfully mentally ill or physically disabled enough that I don't think there's any path forward for them to living a fully independent life in the conventional sense, they probably need some sort of assisted living program. Other people are so briefly homeless and otherwise capable, that even calling them homeless is more a barrier for them than any sort of meaningful category.

Most people don't want to give to individuals, because some of those individuals are scammers or else are addicts, so they either do nothing or else give to organizations that provide services that unfortunately are often worse than nothing and incur overheard costs that lessens the impact of the money given from the moment it's donated. I would rather sleep outside then in the average homeless shelter, so giving to them isn't necessarily the answer either.

Though I suppose from all this complexity emerges a certain simplicity, in that, if the government took ownership of these problems and actually allocated any money to them at all, it would probably be much easier to create shelters that actually serve a function. Right now you have a lot of private organizations, competing for funding, which usually involves that they demonstrate they serve a unique function and have a novel approach to the problem in their area. Rather than encourage innovation, this essentially nullifies efforts for groups to work together or consolidate services into a comprehensive continuum of care in the way that a state run program might be able to. Granted many states, including my own, are terribly broke at the moment, which sounds like a good reason not to fund such programs, until you figure in the fact that the absence of such programs is probably costing them a lot of money in a round about way, not to mention the fact that said states have had many opportunities to make millions off of paving the way for things like recreational marijuana and gambling and such, but they drag their feet pointlessly.

Ironically the non-profit sector, at the level of the research and the money, is often very self-serving because nothing can meaningfully be expected to be accomplished with no money except jettisoning a phd students career into a better field, that they don't stay means that the people who do stay, are often not policy researchers, but career bureaucrats who don't value novel solutions and therefore perpetuate the cycle of turning away innovation.

It's the intersection of a lot of human failings, the ineptness of government, the cynicism of the individual, even the limitations of medicine itself. At the end of the day, a cursory look at the globe shows us that in countries where homelessness is not a problem, it's clearly a result of them adopting the idea and the priority that no one should be homeless regardless of their situation or character, which is obviously not something that is embraced in the U.S.A.

Personally, my optimism on the issue does not lie with the conventional social service non-profit sector, but with the innovation of designers and engineers. I think the very concept of what it means to be housed is in flux, and that while a lot of the problems they're facing in redefining the nature of housing, structure and shelter are very large, I'll always bet on the mountain that wants to be moved over the pebble that sure as hell doesn't.

SHELTERS SHOULD BE COMFORTABLE.

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I was lucky to be homeless in a city with the best shelter I ever heard of. It's a huge facility that offers free, unlimited access to showers, toilets and laundry machines. There is an administrative area where anyone can meet one of the social workers there, or register to make the shelter their official address, so they can receive mail. The canteen serves pretty high quality food for free. There is a common area with beds, but also private boxes with a bed and a small kitchen you can rent like an appartement for 90€/month. The team is overall pretty nice. The best part is that you don't need to painstalkingly prove you're really homeless, provide a lot of documents like in other shelters ; in this one, they treat you with respect and offer you food, shelter and support before talking about papers.

I feel like if every city had such a shelter, it'd be pretty good.

BEING PAID WHAT WE'RE ALL WORTH!

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It comes down to homeless people wanting to rejoin society or not. Right now, it's easier for some to be homeless than to live on minimum wage.

Doctors Who Are Glad A Patient Stopped Seeing Them Reveal Why

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Doctors and nurses put up with a lot of crap from patients and some end up being too much to handle, or even abusive. For example, patients sometimes blame doctors if they miss appointments; or they don't want to wait for treatment to work, or they're simply rude to staff. Whatever the case, doctors are often happy to see some patients leave and never come back.

elwheeler99 asked, [Serious] Doctors and Therapists of Reddit, have you ever been glad that a patient stopped coming to you? What happened?

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.

No eating before surgery - this is universal.

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Orthopedic Surgeon here. Best (worst) patient shows up for elective surgery munching on a big cup of ice. Big nope. Tell her we have to reschedule her case. She throws a tantrum. "But I have dry mouth and have to chew this ice". I understand, but we can't put you under with a belly full of water (risk of throwing up and sucking all that stomach goo into your lungs and dying). Go back and forth like this for a few minutes. I say to her "You know, talking to you is like talking to a toddler". She didn't like that at all. Finally tell her to go home and I leave the preop area. A few minutes later the nurse finds me and says Ms. Pain in the Ass won't leave, she says she doesn't have a ride home. I give the nurse $20 to call her a cab. To this day still the best use of a twenty ever. Never heard from her again.

Doctors can lose their licenses for fooling around with patients.

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I had a patient that I saw quite often for a number of simple illnesses. She would often joke that she came in just because I was working the clinic that day, said she would check if my vehicle was outside. Over the course of several months, I noticed she was coming in more often and with less clothing on. Short skirts, low cut tops. Last straw was her coming in with a loose fitting shirt and no bra. I fired her as a patient after that.

What? It takes time to make stuff?

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Angry dude started ramming his head into the wall repeatedly, so hard that a bold receptionist walked into the room without knocking to check I wasn't the one being slammed into the wall. All of this occurred because he wasn't willing to accept a two week wait time for a completely custom medical device to be manufactured and shipped from another COUNTRY

From experience: some pain, like in the gut, is only alleviated by opioids.

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Yes, but almost exclusively patients that are seeking controlled substances that I don't believe are indicated for their condition. I've never fired a patient, but I've definitely had patients that don't appreciate my attempts to wean them off their chronic opioids. Many patients with chronic pain are happy to try my suggestions. However for those that aren't interested in reducing their dependence on these medications, I don't think I'm a great fit as their doctor.

Pharmacists aren't the fun type of drug dealers, sorry.

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I work in a pharmacy and get yelled at all the time by customers over pain meds- almost always public aid also. "What do you mean I can't have it early?!" (13 days too soon.) "Why won't my dr refill that?!"

Best one was a customer recently yelled at us for giving their dr a medication list, She told me on the phone "I'm trying to get something stronger than Tylenol 3. Don't tell my dr what I'm on!!" Yeah, good luck.

Being pinned by an non-medicated patient with schizophrenia...who thinks the appointment is a date...with no panic button...or exit...

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I used to manage clinical trials for some bigger name places...one of the last trials I managed required working with folks with schizophrenia who were not on medication. To be fair, this story is NOT typical of those folks, and I don't want to stereotype them, but I'm just saying this to explain the behavior in this instance. The study involved 3-4 visits totaling 10-12 hours with these folks, so I got to know them fairly well. My portion involved an extensive clinical/diagnostic assessment and some other computerized tasks, so all told I spent 4ish hours alone with them (the rest was taking them to other providers/appts for the study). This all occurred in a room that (A) didn't have a panic alarm and (B) where I was not closest to the door, which are two big no-nos. I did bring it up when I first started but was younger, naive, and figured the odds of something happening in this context was low.

I worked with upwards of 120 people and heard all kinds of stuff, like a little old lady who described her vivid hallucinations of people being cut up into pieces, slaughtering others, etc. just as calmly as she talked about her love of scrapbooking. None of this stuff ever bothered me, largely because even when people describe stuff like that there are so many other indicators to tell you whether or not they're dangerous, and most of the time they're not. Several others were pretty terrified of the other portions of the study (not disclosing, but people without schizophrenia were afraid of it, so it was normal) but were so compelled to help our research so others wouldn't have to feel the way they felt that it was inspiring.

Then I had one who was incredibly obsessive. I didn't spend enough time with her to figure out if this was separate from or a part of her schizophrenia, but she ended up pinning me in the corner, grilling me in an aggressive-but-crying manner about why I kept asking her to come back to these appointments but didn't want to date her (she had NEVER mentioned this until this point). Again, no panic buttons, no way out. I'm a small guy and she was taller and much larger than me. Thankfully her mom came to pick her up a little early and it saved my ass. But it happened in a matter of a minute or less and that's what scared me most.

Suffice to say I told my supervisor I would NOT be continuing that study until he rearranged the clinic so I was closest to the door and we had a panic button/protocol in place.

People who want opinion after opinion but won't take advice..

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In my homeland, I used to run an outpatient clinic together with several other GPs. The patients can freely choose which doctor they want to visit, or if they're regular patients, to change doctor if they want. Somehow, I was always stuck with annoying patients, like those who were overdemanding, tried to steer the doctors on what to examine and what to prescribe, impossibly uncooperative or non-compliant, hardheaded and in complete denial, like to argue back, all you can name it. Most of them are also doctor shoppers and like to boast about that - a clear red flag.

Usually, most doctors would try to be sugary sweet and nice and suck up to these patients no matter what, but I just couldn't - I treated them like any other patients - yes means yes and no means no, we can discuss the medications and course of examinations but you can't steer me around like a car and have it all your way as you please.

Most of these difficult patients were often displeased and somewhat crossed by my policy - yet they keep returning to me, despite me giving very clear sign I'm never going to treat them specially or give in to their demand. Eventually, after several consultations, a lot of them would never return (which was completely expected from their doctor shopping behavior). I always feel a lot relieved while wondering why they didn't go away sooner. Even my colleagues and nurses often joked whenever a new difficult patient came, saying my calling had come.???????

It's almost as if a doctor's time is valuable.

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Just a recent one that popped into mind. Had a lady in her 40's come in the other day who had an extensive and complex medical history and some psychiatric illnesses. She showed up 15 minutes late so by the time I brought her in the next patient whos turn it was already there. She had a list of about 6 things she wanted to go over. We got through a few of the issues and then mainly focussed on her issue with some pain while peeing on and off for 6 months, and she wanted antibiotics for it. She refused to supply a urine sample or undergo an STI screen.

About 2 weeks later I got a note from the nurse that the lady wanted to lay a "big complaint" about me because I didn't 'check her blood pressure.'

Like holy sh_t, you have 6 things you want to get through in your 15 minutes, you show up late (and so I could have declined to see her and just asked her to reschedule) and now you are angry at me for not doing something that would take more time and wasn't even relevant to the consult. So happy she never came back.

As George Carlin said, "pricks live forever."

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I used to practice in a clinical situation where most of my patients were older or elderly. It didn't happen often, but the patients that I would always dread seeing were the ones who were starting to lose cognitive skills and memory abilities but had absolutely nobody else I was legally authorized to speak about their care with (spouse was deceased, no kids or kids were estranged, etc.). Appointments could often turn into he-said-she-said, so it would take me forever to write reports for those patients because I essentially had to include every word said by either of us into the report to document that I told them something... for when they inevitably returned, later on, complaining that I never told them that exact thing. I'd never wish anyone harm, but I did occasionally find myself searching local obituaries when I'd realize I hadn't seen certain patients like that in a while, in the hopes that maybe I wouldn't have to. (Pro tip: The mean ones never die.)

When your patients bore you to death...

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Totally mundane anecdote - had a person who insisted on regular contact (no cost to them they received general support from our service but wanted a regular appointment with a psychologist) that didn't really have a purpose other than a general chat, basically just encouraged spacing out appointments and then at some point they just decided they couldn't be bothered walking in. It's kind of surprising how draining it is to have a benign but knowingly un-useful appointment on the regular

Brace for a plot twist...

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A couple of years after becoming an attending surgeon, I had this miserably pessimistic patient with problems mostly related to self-neglect. She was agoraphobic, barely left her house, and a glutton for misery, basically refusing to do anything that might better her circumstance. She came to see me because she had a gastric bypass somewhere else in the past and wanted continuity of care.

One day she hands me an envelope and tells me I've been served and that she's sorry her husband the process server couldn't ever catch me at home because I work too much. It's true, I was working quite a lot because my wife of 12 years was being insufferable since we had moved away from her best friend in Miami for an incredibly better quality of life and work situation.

Anyways, they were divorce papers and my wife was leaving me to marry her friend's brother which I was already anticipating. It worked out well because then I was free to start over fresh with someone who shared my current priorities. Now we have 3 kids and a great life of rewarding work for only half-days, frequent travel and leisure, and three awesome young children. The miserable patient didn't feel comfortable having me as her provider after that even though I offered to continue to do so.

Huge win on all counts.

It's not the doctor's fault if you don't show up.

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Sure. Sometimes it's just not a good fit and that's a relief. The one I recall the most relief around worked hard to blame me for her lack of attendance and no-shows, going as far as to scream at me on the phone and accuse me of lying after I had been crystal clear regarding my boundaries and attendance expectations. She was not ready for therapy in the way I was able to provide it. She came back to the clinic later and saw someone else and did a lot better. I felt for her, but I'm not putting up with that.

Good things won't happen if you bad mouth coworkers to each other.

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Neither a doctor or therapist, but I'm a manager at Laser Hair Removal Clinic which also does chemical peels.

We had this one client who we will call Dumb B** (DB).

So she would come to use for treatment for laser, and go to one of our therapists. Now typically our clients will always see the same therapist for consistency, but this time we couldnt. After the treatment, she complimented our therapist and then when our therapist left, DB said to our receptionist that she was terrible and wants to see someone else.. Okay cool so we booked her in with the next therapist and during her treatment, she just starts b**ing about her previous one. Comes out and compliments our therapist, then asks to see a different one - like what???

She then starts b*ing to the next therapist about the previous two. She did the same pattern through all 5 of our therapists and then goes back to her original and b*es about the other therapists and says "You're the only one I like, the others are just horrible and you're the nice one."

Now she said some very racist and harsh remarks during her YELLING, so I had to talk to her about it and tell her that we cannot treat her anymore.

When the shrink can't handle the patient's trauma... my curiosity is peaking.

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Friend of my parents who is a therapist told me this story when I asked her about how she coped with her patients' suffering. She told me that there was one patient she had and wished she would never have met, through no fault of his own, though. She wouldn't give me much detail of course, but this is the gist of the story. She had a patient who came to counseling after decades of trying to cope with his childhood on his own and failing. It took quite some time for him to finally be able to tell her how he had been terribly abused as a kid. He proceeded to tell her about all the horrific things that had been done to him. It was absolutely terrifying and heart-breaking that anyone could go through this and according to my parent's friend it was surprising he even could survive. The horrors the patient described made a lasting impression on his therapist and started messing with her badly for some reason. She was not used to treating trauma of this kind and it came to a point when she would be reluctant meeting her patient because she knew he would talk about things that frightened her. She didn't want to break his trust, though, and he really needed the therapy, so she said nothing. After a while, however, the patient noticed that he was unwillingly making her uncomfortable and mentioned it in a session. They both agreed that she couldn't help him in these conditions and it would be better if she referred him to a colleague. She told me she was quite relieved not having to deal with this patient anymore but at the same time felt inadequate and unprofessional for being frightened by his pain.

Managing expectations with doctors is difficult, especially when you're in pain.

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Unrealistic expectations. Expectation management is a real thing and I have had patients come to me demanding the guaranteed investigation/procedure that will solve their problems that they were promised earlier in their referral pathway or from some internet forum (!). Usually, education with relevant facts clear things up but it eats into the next patients waiting time and that is one reason why clinics overrun. I remember being particularly relieved but felt sorry for a patient who kept coming back with "alternative" treatments for his very curable cancer despite attempts to educate and support him on the merits of modern medicine. Eventually, he went elsewhere presumably to try and find someone who would give him the answers he wanted to hear.

Watch out for the black bathwater...

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I did peer support and residential support specialist stuff so not a therapist or anything. But I had one client who was severely symptomatic. Heard voices a lot and would argue loudly with them. Would hurt themselves for attention. Had awful boundary issues with other clients that was borderline stalking. Was reprimanded multiple times for bouts of harassment towards other clients. Didn't like to shower and believed that when bathwater turned black it was toxins leaving your body and not just because they were that dirty. I truly hope this person found the help they needed and the right therapy though.